Characters

A cast list of the characters both primary and secondary.

Hazel Tellington


Hazel Tellington “The Lush”

Secret skill : English degree, hahaha.

Secret weapon : Disdain.

Her secret : She actually likes you.

First appearance: Strip 1

Last appearance: Strip 1994

Jameson
Jameson The Hot Barista

Secret skill : Can and will guess your favorite drink.

Secret weapon : French press + thermometer + timer = perfect.

His secret : He’s sensitive.

First appearance: Strip 1

Last appearance: Strip 1985

Jamie McJack
Jamie McJack “The Rack”

Secret skill : It’s no secret.

Secret weapon : Tank tops.

Her secret : Mystery romance novels.

First appearance: Strip 2

Last appearance: Strip 1986

Clarice Fitzpatrick
Clarice The Domme Librarian

Secret skill : Can guess condom size correctly 90% of the time.

Secret weapon : Scowl Of Doom.

Her secret : Saturday evening domination.

First appearance: Strip 3

Last appearance: Strip 1950

Darren
Darren The Lady in Disguise

Secret skill : Six-inch heels.

Secret weapon : Barbasol, lots of it.

His secret : He’s doing Kegels right now.

First appearance: Strip 5

Last appearance: Strip 1879

Thea
Thea The Lonely Lesbian

Secret skill : Memorizes the new AP style every year.

Secret weapon : Red pen, bookish charm.

Her secret : She would really like a goddamn girlfriend.

First appearance: Strip 19

Last appearance: Strip 1937

McPedro
McPedro The Talking  Irish SCIRISH Cactus

Secret skill : Can drink heavily, despite being a cactus.

Secret weapon : His charming accent.

His secret : Gay French mustache.

First appearance: Strip 28

Last appearance: Strip 1969

Maureen
Maureen The Blog Girl (Married to Jameson)

Secret skill : She types faster than you.

Secret weapon : Wrist brace.

Her secret : She kind of enjoys forum drama.

First appearance: Strip 30

Last appearance: Strip 1985

Chris
Chris “The Pirate”

Secret skill : Falling in love with everyone.

Secret weapon : Eye patch.

His secret : He likes this girl, see…

First appearance: Strip 121

Last appearance: Strip 1720

Carol
Carol (Hazel’s mama)

Secret skill : World’s best mac & cheese.

Secret weapon : Casserole dishes.

Her secret : Reading the new library releases before shelving them.

First appearance: Strip 135

Last appearance: Strip 1969

Candy
Candy “The Carnivore”

Secret skill : Ruining everything.

Secret weapon : Meat.

Her secret : She’s just lonely.

First appearance: Strip 144

Last appearance: Strip 1156

Jim
Jim “That Guy”

Secret skill : Driving off women.

Secret weapon : Height. He can see you from a mile away.

His secret : He’s even less experienced than you think.

First appearance: Strip 229

Last appearance: Strip 1285

Zach
Zach The Studly Cabbie (attached to Hazel)

Secret skill : He’s everybody’s DD.

Secret weapon : A ratchet set and his car manual.

His secret : He’s even nicer than you think.

First appearance: Strip 233

Last appearance: Strip 1729

Angel
Angel The Magical Bartender

Secret skill : A drink for every occasion!

Secret weapon : Top-shelf vodka and limes.

Her secret : Monogamous relationships bore her.

First appearance: Strip 497

Last appearance: Strip 1960

Maya
Maya (Thea’s sis)

Secret skill : Shrugging off cancer.

Secret weapon : Costume jewelry.

Her secret : Having an adorable daughter gets you lots of free stuff.

First appearance: Strip 596

Last appearance: Strip 1836

Erin
Erin …not “Aaron.” (Jamie’s girlfriend)

Secret skill : Turning frowns upside-down!

Secret weapon : Adorable freckled blush.

Her secret : She’s not so sure about sex.

First appearance: Strip 654

Last appearance: Strip 1985

Melody
Melody The Quiet Genius (Chris’s girlfriend)

Secret skill : Lip-reading.

Secret weapon : Limitless texting plan.

Her secret : She’s too smart for you.

First appearance: Strip 765

Last appearance: Strip 1642

Mimi
Mimi The Lesbian on wheels (Thea’s girlfriend)

Secret skill : A mean step-check.

Secret weapon : Iron bones.

Her secret : Her job involves a lot of dick.

First appearance: Strip 1082

Last appearance: Strip 1937

Tucker
Tucker (Dating Fiona)

First appearance: Strip 1181

Last appearance: Strip 1750

Beatrice
Beatrice "The Awful Moth"

First appearance: Strip 1193

Last appearance: Strip 1924

Joshua
Joshua "The Reader"

Secret skill : Persistence, podcasts, (not)peppermint tea?

Secret weapon : Mad inheritance!

His secret : He's not quiet, just selectively verbose.

First appearance: Strip 1194

Last appearance: Strip 1950

Fiona
Fiona (Jamie's sis)

First appearance: Strip 1288

Last appearance: Strip 1527